Monday, September 3, 2007

They keep looking at me this one isn't for the faint of heart. Turn back now before your retinas burn out from what you are about to read.

I was having a rather intellectual conversation with my hubby last least I seemed to think it was. I got up to use the bathroom but turned to finish the topic first. After a few moments I realized he had absolutely no idea what I was saying. Noticing that I stopped talking, he just looked up and said "Put those things away, they keep looking at me." It took me a minute to realize what he was talking about.

Well, yes, it was my chest. I happened to be in a pair of baggy pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt with no bra (it was almost bedtime) and let's just say that I definitely didn't have to stuff with cotton what God had forgotten. Being that I was pretty much pregnant or nursing for the better part of three years, the size DD chest that I had grown accustomed to has now turned into an F. You flat chested gals need not throw tomatoes at me now, they are no fun at all! I will gladly be a donor to many of you!

So, here is the conversation as it happened:

Him: Put those things away, they keep looking at me.

Me: What?

Him: Those, they are distracting me.

Me: Well, nobody told you to look. And, besides, they aren't looking at you, they are looking at the floor.

Him: What? The floor?

Me: Yes, the floor. These girls haven't looked straight ahead in years. Right now, in fact, they are looking at the cat on the floor if you want to get technical about it.

Him: (rolling eyes) But I still like them.

At that, I walked into the bathroom and thought about it. It's quiet in there and I can do a lot of my best thinking in there even if it's just standing around doing nothing. Guys read in there, I think in there. If anyone has a problem with that, then so be it!

Anywho, I got to thinking about "them". I thought about how much "they" changed in the last few years. How much my whole body changed since having so many changes over the last three and a half years. I looked down at my body and thought that maybe my chest wasn't drooping just to droop. Looking down at my belly which was never firm but was never this "floppy" before made me really think about it. Maybe my chest is just commiserating with my belly and showing solidarity by not letting it be the only thing to head south. Maybe my chest felt sorry for my belly. I can live with that, a chest with sympathy.

This body, the one that lost and gained and lost and gained 30 to 50 pounds over the last few years is now a mom. The hips that used to fit easier into pants but now look like I'm wearing "riding" pants most of the time b/c of the saddle bags that now reside there. The middle never was flat but now it has more rolls then a bakery. How so much can change in such a small amount of time.

Now I'm sure the pregnancies alone did this to me. It could not have been any of those little miniature powdered doughnuts that I craved all the time or the 2 pound bags of M&M's that I downed in a week. Yes, my diet was wonderful during those cravings, wasn't it?

Before bed, I checked in on my kids as they slept. Little D was looking like a hit and run victim as usual. That child always has limbs in the most unnatural positions when he sleeps. Princess Grabby Hands, with those hands still for the first time that day, was sleeping in her usual "butt in the air" position with everything else curled under her.

I went in my room and looked down at my body once more. It seemed to look more like a soft place to sleep then a bunch of chubby rolls. It looked more like a big firm hip to hold a child that was tired after playing at the park then a saddle bag that made my pants fit funny. My chest looked like it was still deflated but at least I know they got that way for good reasons. Nothing too pretty about a deflated chest! Sorry, couldn't get any revelations on that one.

It's funny how your views of things in everyday life can change with just a glance of your kids. They change your life in all sorts of ways. Your days are busier. Your schedule becomes more hectic. Your time, body and life is no longer your own. But, you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. I just have to hear one "I wuv you mom" and it all makes it worth while (even more so for me because of my son's disability). One nuzzle from your one year old little girl and the stress of the day melts away.

This body is now their safety net. It's their soft place to land. It's love. It's now me and what I'm all about and I'm loving every minute of it even on my most stress filled day!


Anniebananie said...

Oh Aim, you are so on target. Our bodies are no longer our own, nor are our hearts. We have given them over to these little people who give us so much joy and annoy the snot out of us all at once. Thank you giving me a new way of looking at myself. I never thought of my arms, hips and legs as strengths - now I do.

DnAMom said...

I guess this is my way of turning lemons into lemonade. I may not have the body that I want, but I have the body that I need to keep up with the children I have and all the parts of it look how they do because I am blessed to have these little miracles in my life! I'm glad it helped you see things in a better way for yourself! Take a weakness and turn it into a strength and you take power over that weakness!